During my last physical, my doctor reminded me that, not only will I be due for my annual boob squishing mammography (Meh…I always do that one even May, like clockwork – gotta save the tatas!) before my next visit with him, but that I would also be due for another colonoscopy.

Oh, joy!

Now, because my father passed away of metastatic colon cancer and because colon cancer can run in families, I started getting colonoscopies early (age 40 – I think the recommended age for your first one is 50 if you don’t have a risk factor besides age) and am supposed to get them every 5 years, as a preventative measure, to ensure that I don’t have anything growing in there that I shouldn’t. I have all intentions of doing so because, well, if they can stop the possibility of colon cancer before it even turns into colon cancer, who wouldn’t do it? (considering that over 100,000 people and diagnosed with colon cancer every year, and that most colon cancers begin as slow-growing polyps that can be removed during a colonoscopy, I guess lots of people don’t get them. Uninformed? Chickenshits? Dunno. But not me – I’m prepared to do it as often as they tell me is necessary)

I won’t probe into the shittiness of the prep and all of its miserableness – suffice to say that part of the reason why I got the coolest toilet in all of Orlando is so the prep wouldn’t be so, well, miserable. I will say that I detest being on a liquid diet (which yes, does include Jello but not RED Jello – and, of course, all of the good flavors are red) for a day. And the other end of the prep was, of course, miserable. And, after a while, sore.

I don’t remember the actual colonoscopy because I was in some sort of twilight sleep. However I do remember waking up in Recovery. After a few minutes I was still very groggy but awake enough to realize that I had a lot of pain in my belly. Apparently they pump a lot of air into your bowels when you get a colonoscopy so they can get a good view of everything. And, well, the excess air has to get out sometime…somehow… Anyway, so I complained to someone about my belly pain and not long thereafter a nurse’s aide in her 20’s came by and started pushing on my stomach. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was going to help me expel the excess air in my bowel. My reply to this, still groggy from the anesthesia (and apparently grogginess puts a damper on what is commonly known as one’s “inside voice” because I’m sure every person in the building heard me say it), was a classic: “Oh, you poor thing! You get paid to help people fart!!!”

I’m going for Colonoscopy #2 this year, probably at the same medical/gastrointestinal/specialist place. I’m hoping they don’t remember the comment.

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